i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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