life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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