it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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