Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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