dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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