Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Mom said you looked used
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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