the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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