Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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