just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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