I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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