i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
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Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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