I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish my penis had a tongue
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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