That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
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My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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