she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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