I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
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I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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