If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Someone signed my nipple.
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