You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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