this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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