Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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