so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
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in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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