I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
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I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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