trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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