guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
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It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
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Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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