Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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