so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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