You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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