Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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