he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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