so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
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Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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