smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
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