something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
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Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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