well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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