guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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