Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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