It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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