Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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