The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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