Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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