My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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