i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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