Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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