he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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