Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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