my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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