So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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