I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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