i was born a porn star she said
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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