the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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