My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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