I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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